But, this one isn’t me nominating someone else. This one is me receiving an honor FROM someone else.
Here’s what was posted about me: And on the Non-Scale Victory front, this blogger recently found she was unable to keep her pants on. Yes indeedy, I am talking about Lanel over at Fat Chick’s Journey to Lose the Title Fat. She’s dealing with a lot, yet amidst the ups and downs and challenges and frustrations, she found that even good Christian girls sometimes have trouble keeping their pants on . . . SHE GREW OUT OF HER 16s!!! Congratulations, Lanel!!
Now, while I think having your five year old nephew drag your unbuttoned pants off of you is not something to get excited about I guess some people do. (OK, yes, I can see that it’s the bigger excitement behind being stripped by a five year old.)
So, here’s my tear-filled acceptance speech.
To all my fans out there, I thank you for your kind words and support. I…
Oh, snap, that’s just not me.
Here’s the deal. This is my blog. This is my journey. This is me. I go through hell. I have stress. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I don’t. My hope is that by me sharing my struggles, successes, hells, stresses, and excitement that I will give some inspiration to someone else. If you choose to read my blog that is a HUGE inspiration to me. If you chooose to comment on my blog somedays it makes me get through the day (yes, some days are THAT bad). When you choose to tell me I inspire you sometimes that’s the inspiration I need to stay on track.
Do I need this blog? Yes. I need it to keep me focused. I need it for the accountabililty. And, I’m a giving person but also a selfish person (we all are in a way and don’t deny it) so I need it for people to tell me I’m awesome. I need it for people to tell me I’ll get through my struggle. I also need to feel like my journey has a greater purpose.
So, thank you to whoever nominated me for this award. I appreciate it. It means so much to me that my journey is recognized as being worth taking notice. And, yes, it’s sure dang exciting to get honored with an award for your pants falling down. Heck…it makes pulling them up every three minutes kind of worth it.
I told you last week about my massage. What I didn’t tell you about what how crappy I felt for two days afterwards. Not crappy because my massage was bad. No, the massage ROCKED. But, crappy because my body is so messed up right now that I hurt. Seriously, I’m kind of wondering if part of my emotional/weight-loss/psychological issues lately are because my body is rebelling against me.
Last week during the massage my therapist paused at one point and asked me (in all seriousness) if I had any feeling in my left arm and hand. You think I’m joking but I’m not. That’s seriously how jacked up my body is right now.
Unfortunately, what follows a massage when you’re that messed up is a flood of toxins through your body and intense pain. I literally woke up in the middle of the night and popped ibuprofin because the dose before had worn off.
I don’t wake up in the middle of the night.
So, by Friday I felt a lot better. Not perfect but better.
Well, today I started feeling locked up again. And, truthfully I really need to stay on top of this so I don’t get as bad as I was (or rather finish getting better so I can maintain).
Now, a disclaimer: I’m not saying that my lack of massages is the cause of my weight loss struggles the past few weeks. But, I really am starting to think that the stress I’ve been carrying in my neck and shoulders which has spread to my lower back and even lower to the point that my hips, legs, and calfs ache is making things worse.
So, today as I was stretching and rubbing my shoulders and wondered outloud (aka on facebook) whether it was too soon to book another massage appointment. I got a consensus that it’s definitely not too soon so I checked my calendar and got frustrated because I couldn’t find the time this week.
So, you want to hear something pretty darn amazing?
Well, I had an appointment with a client this afternoon. A client who happens to own a salon/spa. I client who just happened to be cutting and coloring my hair today. A client who just happened to be running late when I arrived. A client who just happened to bring in a new massage therapist recently who just happens to be giving free 10 minute massages to clients who are waiting so she can get her name out.
So, I got a free 10 minute massage.
Only part way through it (not sure how far into it we were but I do know it wasn’t too long after she exclaimed OMG you’re shoulders are tight) I told her to stop and go ask my client how late she was running and if we could work it so I could stay on her table for a while. She came back with good/bad news. The bad news was that my client had a scheduling issue and wanted to reschedule me for ONE HOUR later. Which means the good news is that I got a 60 minute massage.
Today I am THANKFUL for massages.
I need to figure through this a little bit, but I’m thinking I need to refocus myself physically to get myself back on track with this journey. I think I’ve gotten my focus messed up. I’ve been focusing so much on what the SCALE says that it’s added a level of stress to this journey. This is NOT a weight loss journey.
Yes, you read that right I AM NOT ON A WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY.
Nope, this isn’t a weight loss blog.
This is a journey. Part of this journey is me losing the title “FAT” that I’ve been carrying around for so long. But, the only way I can truly and PERMANENTLY lose that dreaded title is if I make PERMANENT changes.
And right now I’m dieting. It’s a mindset and it’s screwing with my brain.
Plus it’s adding stress.
Plus, I’m just stressed. I need to refocus.
I need a new chair at work.
I need to reorganize. Yes, I’m an organization junkie. I need to be organized to stay focused. And right now I’m stressed, and unorganized which leads to more stress and unorganization.
Plus, I am constantly feeling stressed and like I’m a mile behind where I should be.
Is it bad that I feel like I need to take a break from this journey? I’m not talking a long break. I’m talking a weekend or a few days break to do some inner evaluation.
But, (and here’s where my issues are revealed) I feel lost in how to do this. Isn’t that sad. When I’m working with a protege for my mentorship stuff I have a plan. I give them assignments and homework to gradually work their way through evaluating where they are and to get a finished product that they need.
I WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE ME HOMEWORK. I need a form or questions or a book or someone to talk to or something that will fix this. I’m a fixer, I need to know how to fix this. I need a recipe or a plan or a plan of action to get through this.
So, there you have it.
I don’t really know what I’m going to do. I just know that I need to do something — I need to make some changes. I need to figure some things out.
Because, to be honest with you, the way I’ve been going right now I’m on a path to destruction. Honestly, I’m getting a little scared about how messed up I’m feeling right now both physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and all those other “ally”s.
So I’m part of these strange bunch of GAG women (and I think some dudes too). We get points for random challenges and probably other stuff too that I don’t know about because I mainly need this challenge to keep me on track (or remind myself when I’ve fallen off track). Well, sometimes I have time to do some of the challenges and other times I don’t. But, I read the blog every time there’s a new post and if I can I’ll post something and participate in the challenges. If not I’ve found some wonderfully supportive women that tell me it’s OK when my week sucked and cheer with me when my week rocked.
Well, this week we have The Gaggies challenge. We get to nominate someone for The Gaggie Award. So, I’ve been thinking about this award all week and trying to determine who I wanted to nominate. See, there really are some awesome people in this challenge. But, I finally decided to go with the one person that has really truly affected my weight loss journey in the most amazing way these past few months.
So, for the Humor Award, my nomination goes to a wonderfully funny blogger named Fat Ass. Why? Well, seriously, anyone who can write a post about sharting and make me laugh hysterically until there are tears in my eyes. Deserves a Humor Award.
But, wait, there’s more. For the Inspirational Posting Award, my nomination goes to my dear friend Fat Ass. Why? Because, anyone who can talk about hell and make you relate or admit she just winging it and doing it real and make you believe that you can too deserves an Inspirational Posting Award. Seriously, Fat Ass is inspirational (although she’ll deny it and tell me I’m full of crap for saying this). But, that’s what makes her inspirational. She tells it like it is. She says my week SUCKED then does something about it. She doesn’t lie or sugarcoat the truth. She tells it like it is and goes with it.
But, I can’t leave well enough alone, so I have an entry for the Encouragement of Others Award. It may come as a huge shock, but I’m nominating Fat Ass. And, if I had to choose only one award to give, this would be it. Because in all honestly, Fat Ass, has been one of my biggest encourages for a while now. (I do have others — thank you Candy.) But right now I’m giving this award nomination to Fat Ass. Let me tell you why.
This post alone was reason enough to make me nominate nominate her. I was going through my own private hell and she listened and not only encouraged me herself but asked other to. And they did.
But, that’s not it. It never fails, good or bad I know I’ll get a comment from her. She knows what I’m feeling. She relates. She encourages. She tells me to get my head out of my behind and get back on track. Or, she tells me it’ll all be OK. Somehow, she knows exactly what to say when and says it. She’ll email, message, or comment but everytime I know whatever she says will make a difference.
Plus we’re blackberry buddies so I know she’s just awesome.
If we lived closer (there’s this dang massive country between us) I know that we’d be great IRL friends. I know we’d be beach walking buddies. And we’d kick each other’s behinds and keep each other on track. Instead, we’ll continue being comment/email/bb messenger buddies and we’ll encourage each other and kick each other’s behind.
I can only hope I give just a tiny bit of the encouragement she gives to me.
If you have a chance, stop by Did I Just Eat That Out Loud? and tell Fat Ass (Sue) how awesome she is. But, don’t do it because I said so…do it because you won’t regret it and she really is THAT awesome.
*~*~*~*~*~*~
And for the record, no, I’m not trying to butter up or kiss up or suck up. I’m just trying to say
THANK YOU
Sue for sharing your journey from Fatass to Fabulous with another Chick trying to lose the title Fat.
So, I’m here to face the scale. Look the # in the eye. View the damage.
Challenge Start: 208.8
Last Week: 203.8
This week: 206.6
Gain for the week: 2.8 lbs
Total Loss for Challenge: 2.2 lbs
Honestly, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
So, there you have it.
The Good
So, the good is that I know why the scale is going to show a crappy number tomorrow. Why is that good? The last two months the scale has given me annoying crappy numbers and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. Tomorrow I know why. So, that’s good. Sucks, but good.
The Bad
The bad news, obviously is that the scale is going to give me a crappy number. Or, more accurately, I’ve made choices that will result in me seeing a crappy number on the scale tomorrow.
The Ugly
The ugly truth is that I had a week from HELL. Tuesday was so good, until I went for my massage. Then I hurt like hell and was in so much pain that I chose to eat something comforting. Then I had so much work to do that I was working insane hours last week and by the time I got home I didn’t have anything left in me to plan food and grocery shop. So, I ate crap.
Thursday I attended a party and ate crap. I could have eaten worse, but I ate crap.
Friday I had an all day online conference that I attended. Only because I didn’t plan my food all week I didn’t have anything to eat. And I forgot to have my assistant buy me something before she left. So, I didn’t eat. Then by dinner I was starving so I went out. And ate crap.
Saturday I was at a wrestling match all day and didn’t realize I’d be there all day so I didn’t bring anything to eat. So when I left and stopped at Target to pick up some things I picked up some chips. And ate them. Then I picked up pizza for some friends. And ate some. More than some, really. And the kids shared some candy from their buckets. All three kids shared some candy. And I ate it. And brought some home.
And Sunday I felt like crap. For a lot of reasons. I felt like crap for what I ate. I felt crap because of a choice I made the resulted in me getting news that I didn’t want to get. So, I ate crap. Chips. Dip. Chocolate. Tootsie Rolls. Then to finish out my day in a well rounded way I had a cheeseburger and french fries.
And that news I told you about? Well, let me tell you what I kept telling myself yesterday: “Some times you make choices that you know you shouldn’t make that result in information you hoped you wouldn’t get that rip open wounds that had finally scabbed leaving you raw and aching”. That was me. Yesterday I hid under my covers and shoved food in my face and did everything I could to not burst in to tears.
I wanted to quit. I wanted to give up. I started to question the point of this journey.
I have to admit I’m not quite to a place where I’ve convinced myself that I’m ready to proceed on this journey. But, I’m not going to sabotage myself anymore. I did enough of that this weekend.
So, I crawled out of bed this morning. My shoulders have a ton of weight on them. I feel like crap. But, I finished my menu for the week. I grocery shopped. I cooked this evening. I have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. So…
The Good
I’ll get up tomorrow. I’ll get on that scale. I’ll face the music. I am not allowing myself a free pass tomorrow.
It is what it is.
And now, I’m so proud of myself. I made two new things for dinner. I made Spicy Pasta which had red chard (which I’ve never eaten before) and I made beets (which I’ve never cooked myself and have never had fresh). So, I’m proud of myself. I stepped out of my comfort zone. And, here I want to share a picture of my dinner. Because it was good.
