To refresh your memory of what I looked like at the start of my journey…
Well, last week I had on my new size 14 jeans and an old t-shirt that’s a little fitted and I was kind of liking what I saw. So, I took a picture. Of course, I ended up in the ER last night with my dad so this if the first I’ve been able to post it. But, I’m still stoked. 
And, yes, I do realize I look a little stiff…I feel weird taking pictures, especially when there’s no one but me in the shot. LOL
Another weigh-in.
Another loss.
202.8 this week.
I’m very happy with 202.8 however, I just realized that since the start of the GAG challenge on 9/1 I’ve only lost 6 pounds. I’m NOT happy about that. 
Yes, I’m happy that I’ve lost six pounds, but I’m frustrated that it wasn’t more. No, I’m not expecting large drops every week but we’re 14 weeks into the challenge and I’ve lost SIX pounds. 6!
I guess if I really just look at the numbers that’s an average of .4 pounds a week loss which isn’t horrible. I also had had a few really rough weeks (the past two being two of the worst). I also had Thanksgiving.
Also — since May 28 (the start of my journey) I’ve lost 26.6 pounds which is nothing to frown at.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you…I was the leader of the GAG challenge last week weight loss. Yeah — you read that right — the week of THANKSGIVING I lost the most weight among challengers. (Never mind that that means that 2.6 pounds of my 14 week, six pound weight loss was in one week.)
OK…so funky mood this week.
I’m entitled, it’s been a hellish couple of weeks.
Actually, that’s an understatement. It’s FREAKING FREEZING.
When I say cold, I mean COLD.
It’s 12 degrees out now and tomorrow’s high is supposed to be 11.
Of course, when I went up to the hospital I was thinking more about being IN the hospital than getting to and from the hospital and didn’t quite dress right. That was a sucky walk. Then I had to go pick up cat food and that sucked. But, I’m home now.
So, I had a mental break-thru yesterday. I don’t go out very often. I’ll eat out occassionally but actually going out with friends or somewhere for a true celebration, I don’t do that very often. Well, yesterday my sister, sister-in-law and I took a friend out for her birthday. We were really trying to make it special for her and I realized (I mean REALLY REALIZED) that it’s OK to splurge when you go out for a celebration. Now, obviously if I’m celebrating every day that’s not OK. But, I don’t. So, when I went out last night I celebrated. I had a drink and didn’t compensate with a lower calorie meal. I ate a slice of cake and didn’t feel guilty (of course I bought the cake and I purchased something I actually wanted).
I got on the scale this morning (I weigh myself almost every day) and it was up a bit from yesterday. But, in the whole scheme of things THAT’S OK. Because what’s the point of being thin if you can’t enjoy yourself, right? When I’ve reached my goal weight I will not stay at that number for every day for the rest of my life. The point is to only let myself go up a pound or two so I can easily get back down quickly.
That’s reality.
I’ve said all this before but it finally clicked.
Update on my dad: he’s still in the hospital but, other than being royal pain in the ass tonight, is doing a lot better. They ran some tests today and found some ulcers which I’m really interested in hearing that they actually compared it to the last time they (other doctor) ran this same test a month ago. They have talked about doing another test tomorrow. We’ll see.
Yesterday sucked. No doubt about it. I’m not going to lie or sugar-coat it. This morning didn’t start out so good either. But, things are looking up a bit so hopefully we’ve made a turn.
Still completely stressed about work because I haven’t gotten ANYTHING done all week and that stresses me out. No billable time = no money = stress. But, you gotta do what you gotta do.
So, this morning I called my dad and was informed that they put a tube down his throat to drain the blood in his stomach. Yeah, that’s what I said too. What blood? Huh? I’d planned on hitting the office for a bit and had a meeting this morning. Instead, I went to the hospital.
He had the tube in his nose sucking stuff out of his stomach. It’s pretty gross but to be honest it wasn’t as bad as the last time he had that. They were talking about another possible procedure but when they said they were consulting with his doctor in CA before doing it I knew that would be a no go. But, it was still hanging there all day.
My brother really stepped up today. He got to the hospital a while after I did and stayed until we went to lunch. I watched his son for an hour while he and his wife had a meeting then they came back to the hospital. He left to go have dinner than came to relieve me so I could go home. Unfortunately the doctor hadn’t been in yet so I hung around a while to see if he’d show up. He didn’t so I left. The doctor didn’t get there until after 9 so I’m glad I left when I did.
Another long day but I feel more in control and less frazzled and crazy. I also feel some of the burden gone.
Even though I sometimes make it sound like my family are a bunch of selfish people they really aren’t. Honestly. I was frustrated yesterday. But a lot of yesterday was the stress of having so much happen so fast (the artery and the dying man). Plus I’d just dealt with all of this and was recovering from that emotional roller coaster — they aren’t supposed to come that quickly. Everyone else had things to do and I made the choice to stay as long as I did. Yes I get frustrated when I’m being told by people who aren’t witnessing what’s going on how I should be handling things but, honestly, it’s because they care.
As you can tell I’m feeling a little better and am quite a bit more clearheaded today.
So, not on to me.
I bought some new underwear today but haven’t gone through my drawer to toss the old stuff yet. I will…I just needed to let my brain become jello when I got home. I also bought a scale. I don’t like it though. I was getting sort of panicy not having one though so I picked one up at Target. I’m not sure if I’ll keep it though. Or, I might get a second one and just have two. I don’t know. I just don’t really like the feel of this one. It feels cheap. But, we’ll see.
One thing I’m worried about is the accuracy of my scale. When you’ve been using the same scale day after day I don’t get too worried because if it gives me the same reading and is consistent then it’s not really a big deal. But, this one is new and it could be off a bit from my old one. It’s not a huge problem. I’m just so close to ONEDERLAND that the number has started to mean something to me again. Not in a bad way, just a very focused way. But, I got on this evening to check it out and after an initual odd number got a consistent 205.0 which isn’t bad considering it’s the end of the day and I’m always up at the end of the day from my morning weight. So, I might not be in freak-out mode tomorrow.
But, I’m still going to look at another scale. I’d decided on the Health-o-Meter but no stores have it and I was too impatient to wait for shipping.
OK, now I’m rambling….good night.
Completely worn out.
I don’t feel like I have much more in me.
I got to my brother’s around 9 this morning and my dad wasn’t doing so well. I gave him his medicine, checked some stuff and went to the office. A while later I checked on him again and he wasn’t doing any better. The doctor’s office called as I was getting ready to go over for the third time and I talked with the nurse for a while then went to the store to get something they wanted him to try eating (a meal replacement drink). But by the time I got back they had called him again and decided they wanted him to see the surgeon.
So, we left the house at 1:30 to go to the surgeon’s office.
I got home at 9:55PM.
After throwing up in the bathroom before seeing the surgeon and throwing up in the surgeon’s office the doctor decided we should head over to the ER to have him get some fluids. Lucky me, I got to take him through the doctor’s secret underground tunnel shortcut across the street and through the hospital.
Then the fun began.
They couldn’t get an IV in because he was so dehydrated. They tried doing a midline with an ultrasound and hit an artery sending blood shooting all over the room. A patient in the room two doors down died while I was standing in the hall (never mind that I think he was actually dead when they wheeled him in the doors right past me). They finally took him to radiology to get a PIC line put in and started the IV.
They admitted him, I got him to his room and came home.
So much for a quick run to the doctors office (not that I thought it would be a quick run).
Also so much for the work I really needed to get accomplished.
While he was getting the PIC line put in I ran out to get something to eat. About the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had. It literally took almost all I had not to vomit on the table it was so disgusting. So, I had about 10 fries for dinner. Considering I didn’t eat much else today it’s not sitting too well on my stomach.
I’m spent. I’m emotionally drained. I don’t have much left in me right now.
This would really, normally, be a post I’d put on my personal blog but my family reads it. I just need to have a place to say today was HARD. My family has enough to say about what I should have done today, or what I should have said to the doctors, or when I should have taken him in, or whatever the hell else they feel like telling me I SHOULD HAVE done. And, quite frankly all I can say to that is WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU? Oh yeah, working (not that I didn’t need to be doing that and not that anyone is going to say here let me help since your income is going to be hugely affected by the fact that I was at the hospital while you were too busy). Or, oh, I don’t know shopping (yeah, I have some of that I want/need to do too). Oh, wait then we have someone who was cleaning today (nevermind that my house could use a vaccuum or a dusting or what about that pile of laundry that’s about to bury me alive).
So, yeah, tomorrow I’ll get an earful because I didn’t do or say this or that. Nevermind that I WAS THERE I’m the one who LISTENED to the doctors and I’m the one who WITNESSED first hand what was going on and what was being discussed and what the concerns were. No, my family who was doing their thing have their own damn opinions on what they doctors/nurses/I should have done different.
So, yeah, I’m tired, I’m frustrated, I’m irritated and I feel like I’m going to vomit.
But, I sat by my dad’s bedside. When he cried because no one else was there I held his hand and told him I was there and I’d be there until we had this figured out. When he cried because another IV attempt failed I held his hand and told him it would all be OK and that as tough as it was this was the best thing for him.
Then I stood and watched a man die. A man I don’t know and will never know but it affected me just the same. But, I sucked it up, dried the tears of my daddy, held his hand and tried to get the vision of those socks on the feet of a dead man out of my head because I was standing there alone and didn’t have anyone I could turn to to tell ME it was going to be OK.
Then my dad told his nurse I was his guardian angel and the nurse looked at me and said I was a pretty awesome daughter and took us up to his room where he’s sleeping now (I hope).
