I know, I’m a little late in wishing you a Happy New Year. It’s been that kind of holiday. But, on a good note (for me) I am very happy to say that from Thanksgiving through New Years I did not gain any weight.
Pretty awesome, eh?
So, a quick read I wanted to share. If you have a BlackBerry I just wrote up something for a blog I guest post on regularly that I thought I’d share: New Year, New You. I discussed some BlackBerry apps that might be helpful in your weightloss.
And now, a random word about me. I’m a bookkeeper and it’s January. That pretty much means — I’m SWAMPED. So, I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting around here for the next few weeks but I’m not gone or forgotten (and please don’t forget about me) I’m just keeping my head above water (or attempting to) while I tackle the mountain that stands before that is bookeeping.
Wish me luck.
I guess you could say that my gift for 2009 (the last sixteen weeks anyway) was to maintain a very nice weightloss that I’ve done so far this year. That’s nothing to sneeze or complain about. I’ll be the FIRST person to say that. I’ve lost 26.2 pounds since May. That is something to be excited about. That is a gift to myself.
I had wanted to do better in the GAG challenge but I didn’t. Instead, I pretty much maintained. No, it’s not actually a maintenance — I did lose 5.6 pounds in the sixteen weeks of the challenge. I had some personal challenges and some person victories along the way.
Am I upset with how I did over the challenge? NO!
Am I proud of myself for how I did over the challenge? Sort of. I wish I’d done better but I’m proud of the fact that I’m lower than when I started.
Now, we’re supposed to have pictures to mark the end of the challenge. Well, that’s not happening for me. I got a new scale and it doesn’t stay on that long and my phone is the only camera I have and it takes a while to take a picture sometimes. The combination does NOT work for taking a picture. So, you’ll have to take my word for it that the scale read 203.2 this morning. Seriously, I’m not in line for any fantastic awards or anything with that number so I’m sure it’ll be fine. I also took body shots a couple weeks ago — those will do as well. I’m not trying to downplay what I accomplished — I just don’t have the equipment (camera) to comply. LOL
So — a HUGE non-scale victory this week. 
Sunday I went to church (nothing abnormal about that LOL) and my nephew decided he wanted to go to “big church” instead of kid’s church. Which was fine. But, that’s not even part of my non-scale victory, I’m just trying to build up the excitement for you.
So, we go to church and we’re walking in and I’m greeting people as I go (which really is something because I go to a pretty big church so it’s realistic to go to church on a Sunday and see nobody that I actually know). So, as I’m walking in I see ….
Oh, Sunday night I took my sister and nephew to drive through the living nativity the private school at the church was putting on. Very exciting and fun experience. Afterwards we drove around (in the rain — what the heck — it’s almost Christmas and we have NO snow just yucky rain) to look at lights. (Like my attempt and drawing this HUGE thing out for you? LOL
So, like I said, I was walking in to church greeting friends when I saw a friend that I hadn’t seen since mid-summer. I wanted to talk to her so I stood to the side while she finished talking to someone. When she turned, I kid you not, her eyes bulged (like in the cartoons) and her jaw dropped (LITERALLY) and she did the head-to-toe once over. I looked at her with a bewildered look on my face because I couldn’t figure out what her problem was — I mean I did shower and do my hair that morning and I didn’t think I looked THAT bad. Well, then I realized SHE HASN’T SEEN ME SINCE MID-SUMMER. She finally caught herself, shook her head, and said “WOW!”.
Talk about making my day!
So…like most people things are crazy busy right now. Lots of work (I’m a bookkeeper — year-end is BUSY). I’m watching my nephew every day while his mom’s at work. And, I’m mentally in vacation mode. So, if I don’t get by before then here’s my wish to you:
Merry Christmas! Here’s to a very happy and healthy Christmas time spent with those you love doing the things that make you happy.
So, I mentioned that my goal was to be in onederland by the end of the gag challenge (which is this coming Tuesday). I thought I’d be there based on last week’s weigh-in but this week was pretty random and went up. I’m OK either way — it’s not the end of the world if I don’t make it it just means it’ll happen later.
Well, I think this Tuesday’s weigh-in was a fluke or something because I’m back down to where I thought I should be. So, it’s still possible that I’ll be in Onederland by the final challenge weigh-in. Pretty excited.
Thanks for all the nice comments on my last vent session. I ended up meeting with this person because I kind of “had” to because of a position I am in and she’s the person I’m supposed to meet with. However, our relationship changed quite a bit this week.
So, weigh-in this morning was 203.4. Up from last week a bit, a couple of things could be contributing. 1. It’s that time of month and I often am up a tad for that. 2. I got my new scale last night and it could be a tad off from the last one. I’m not worried it could be either of those or I’m just up. I’m a little disappointed with myself because I really wanted to be in onderland by the end of the GAG challenge and that doesn’t look like it’ll happen. But, I’m OK.
Now, some deep ponderings because, well, I need to ponder.
Despite how I may come across here I am actually a very private person. I don’t share a lot of myself or almost any of my emotions with people. I may have mentioned at some point that I deal with depression as a very real part of my life. I had a major meltdown eight years ago and attempted suicide and was hospitalized and went through extensive treatment. At that time I was diagnosed with bipolar with some borderline personality disorder traits. In short, I’m crazy. (I say that with a smile on my face because it’s a coping mechanism to call myself crazy.)
As part of my coping skills (or lack of ability to deal with my emotions) I do not cry. I do not cry in public, I don’t cry alone. If I’m with someone I trust in a private place and I’m able to let it out I will but it’s extremely rare that I allow that to happen. And, honestly, it’s so rare that I am with someone I trust enough to allow that to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to cry. I have emotions bottled up inside of me. But, I don’t. I don’t cry because it scares me. The last time I cried alone was not a good situation and I won’t allow myself to do that again. Yes, I get teary eyed. I get some sniffles occassionally from a movie or something. I’m not heartless. But, a real, emotional, let loose cry. Nope.
Well, I need to cry right now. I have a lot of emotions that have built up over the last couple of weeks with the stress of what I’ve gone through. The emotions of dealing with my dad being sick. The frustration of not working. I have a lot of emotions. But, alas, I can’t let it out. So, it’s bubbling there.
I’ve spent a lifetime building up a wall to protect myself. From what, I don’t know, but I’ve built this wall to protect myself.
Yesterday I took a small brick out of that wall. I opened myself up to a friend who said she wanted to get together so we could talk and she could listen and just support me after the last couple weeks. I asked if we could meet at my house instead of the coffee shop we usually meet at so I could cry because I really needed to and actually felt like I’d feel safe doing it with her.
She said no. She’d rather meet at the coffee shop.
Why?
Now I’m frustrated with myself for opening up a little. I’m angry with myself for dislodging that brick. I’m irritated with myself for thinking I could trust someone. I’m mad that I shared a part of me and had it thrown back in my face.
I’ve tapped down the emotions. Put a nice cork back on them firmly in place. We’ll meet for coffee. I’ll have a smile on my face. I’ll say everything’s fine.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I can go weeks without any real plans on the weekend. Then, it never fails, I’ll have one day with a ton of events planned. Sunday was one of those days. Not one, not two, but THREE parties to attend. I wasn’t sure how I’d do it all but figured I’d try. I was interested to see how I’d do on the eating but, honestly, decided not to worry about it.
So, the first party was at 11:30 — my youngest nephew’s 3rd birthday. I slept late (which was good because I haven’t been sleeping very well lately) so ended up not eating breakfast. I know, not usually a good idea. But, it worked out OK. I ate two small slices of cheese pizza (I purposely chose the smallest because for some reasonI really wanted two). I ate some of my dad’s soft pretzel — which tasted good but I wished I hadn’t eaten it only because I wasn’t hungry and didn’t really want it. I drank water and ended up wanting some soda so I treated myself to a small bit (probably two small sips) of Sierra Mist. Then I had a cupcake. I wanted a cupcake so I ate it. Which is kind of funny because I don’t usually like store bought cupcakes. But, for some reason I wanted one yesterday.
Party #2 was a bridal shower. I ate one small piece of pineapple — because I LOVE pineapple. And two tortilla chips with homemade salsa because the bride-to-be and hostess are famous for their homemades salsa.
Party #3 was Christmas dinner party. I skipped the cookies and other “goodies” that they had all around and didn’t get any punch — not because I was depriving myself but because I didn’t want any so I skipped them. Dinner was salad, prime rib, chicken cordon bleu, and a twice baked potato. I ate the salad then asked for my dinner with no meat and they gave me extra salad to go with my twice baked potato. They had sour cream to add to the potato but I, didn’t want any so I pretty much had salad with 1/2 a baked potato. It was yummy. Then they brought out dessert. I was a bit irritated that I ate the dessert only because I didn’t like it, I didn’t want it, and it wasn’t all that good. If I’d enjoyed it I would have been fine with the fact that I ate it — but I didn’t so I wish I’d skipped it. But, I started feeling self-conscious because I was sitting next to the person who’d planned the food and felt bad that I’d already turned down the main dish. So, I was more irritated with myself for eating something I didn’t want.
All in all, I’m happy with my party day.
Today my new scale (yes, 2nd new scale in a week) arrived. I like it a lot more than the one I bought last week. It feels more sturdy so I’m happy. We’ll what it says tomorrow. Considering that on top of all the crap I’m dealing with today just happens to be the day that TOM decided to visit I’m not holding out too much hope.
