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Fat Chick, 19 January 2010, 3 comments
Categories: Just a Fat Chick, Psychology of a Fat Chick
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I don’t.

The last few weeks, hell, the last few months have pretty much sucked.  I’ve been getting by.  I’ve been surviving but I really haven’t been enjoying.

My journey to a healthier me has suffered.

A lot.

I got through the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s) without gaining back any of the weight that I worked my ass off to lose.

But then January hit.

I’m a bookkeeper.  January sucks.  It’s excuses, honestly, but I failed miserably.  I was working 12+ hours a day and leaving the office only after those hours because I was starving because I failed to bring enough to eat to sustain me through the day.  Well, I don’t know about you but when I get off work after working 12 hours straight the last thing I want to do is cook.  So, I did the drive-thru.  And I paid for it both with a sick stomach and a scale that showed me in black & white (or grey because the number really are more grey than black and white) that I failed myself the first two weeks of 2010.

But, that’s not all.  I said I was surviving but really, that’s all I’m doing is surviving.  Yes, I’m working, heck, I’m actually staying pretty on top of things as far as work goes.  But, I’m just surviving.  I’m losing my motivation.  Honestly, I have a small voice inside me telling me to give up.  OK, the voice isn’t that small actually, it’s like a freaking megaphone in my head.  It keeps asking me WHAT THE HELL’S THE POINT?

For too long now I’ve been in this funk and right now I can’t answer that question.  Right now I don’t know what the point is.  I don’t know why I work my ass off (other than I have to).  I don’t know why I bother caring if I’m healthy or not.  I don’t know what the point of doing something other than sit my fat ass in my recliner and dwell on the fact that I’m unhappy.

So, there you have it.  That’s me right now.

And now, I’m rereading a post over the Mrs. FatAss’ place that made me cry.  You should read it yourself HERE, especially if you haven’t read it yet.  I read this post when she originally wrote it last week.  Hell, I commented on it last week.  But, I keep going back to it.  Again and again and again.  It’s really that type of post.  Reading the posts I feel guilty.  Guilty that I feel the way I do right now.  But, at the same time I feel so full of fear for all those things that are eating away at me from the inside out.

So, really, I’m afraid of what this weight loss journey means in my life.  Because, really, what if it’s me that’s unhappy.  What if it’s not the weight or the debt or what the people think or the annoying neighbors or not having a house or the weird hours or being alone.  What if it’s me.

So, now I have a question.  Has anyone read Secrets of a Former Fat Girl? I’ve mentioned it before but I have to confess that I haven’t finished it yet.  I think it’s something that would be better for me to read with someone or have someone I’m accountable to when reading it.  So, I guess I’m wondering if there are any takers.  Anyone?  Just a thought.

But, now that voice is talking again so I’m going to sign off now.

fatchick

And The Chick's Think

3 Responses, Leave a Reply
  1. Dana (www.eatsleepgetfit.com)
    20 January 2010, 5:35 AM

    I started reading it a few weeks ago. I think I am only up to Chapter 3. So far I think it’s a great book! DO IT! :)
    .-= Dana (www.eatsleepgetfit.com)´s last blog ..I think I found my mojo. =-.

  2. Brooke
    20 January 2010, 6:02 AM

    i’ve felt like you do before, and while I can provide suggestions on where you can find motivation (i wouldn’t want the family to have the satisfaction of me falling back into their ways and giving me the “i told you so” looks) it really has to come from deep down. either you want this or you don’t.
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..Empowering THIS woman =-.

  3. Katie J
    29 January 2010, 2:14 PM

    I just ordered it on Amazon and I am anxious to read it. Hope you are doing okay. Try to post when you can k?
    .-= Katie J´s last blog ..Shopping burns Calories! =-.

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