So, weigh-in this morning was 203.4. Up from last week a bit, a couple of things could be contributing. 1. It’s that time of month and I often am up a tad for that. 2. I got my new scale last night and it could be a tad off from the last one. I’m not worried it could be either of those or I’m just up. I’m a little disappointed with myself because I really wanted to be in onderland by the end of the GAG challenge and that doesn’t look like it’ll happen. But, I’m OK.
Now, some deep ponderings because, well, I need to ponder.
Despite how I may come across here I am actually a very private person. I don’t share a lot of myself or almost any of my emotions with people. I may have mentioned at some point that I deal with depression as a very real part of my life. I had a major meltdown eight years ago and attempted suicide and was hospitalized and went through extensive treatment. At that time I was diagnosed with bipolar with some borderline personality disorder traits. In short, I’m crazy. (I say that with a smile on my face because it’s a coping mechanism to call myself crazy.)
As part of my coping skills (or lack of ability to deal with my emotions) I do not cry. I do not cry in public, I don’t cry alone. If I’m with someone I trust in a private place and I’m able to let it out I will but it’s extremely rare that I allow that to happen. And, honestly, it’s so rare that I am with someone I trust enough to allow that to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I need to cry. I have emotions bottled up inside of me. But, I don’t. I don’t cry because it scares me. The last time I cried alone was not a good situation and I won’t allow myself to do that again. Yes, I get teary eyed. I get some sniffles occassionally from a movie or something. I’m not heartless. But, a real, emotional, let loose cry. Nope.
Well, I need to cry right now. I have a lot of emotions that have built up over the last couple of weeks with the stress of what I’ve gone through. The emotions of dealing with my dad being sick. The frustration of not working. I have a lot of emotions. But, alas, I can’t let it out. So, it’s bubbling there.
I’ve spent a lifetime building up a wall to protect myself. From what, I don’t know, but I’ve built this wall to protect myself.
Yesterday I took a small brick out of that wall. I opened myself up to a friend who said she wanted to get together so we could talk and she could listen and just support me after the last couple weeks. I asked if we could meet at my house instead of the coffee shop we usually meet at so I could cry because I really needed to and actually felt like I’d feel safe doing it with her.
She said no. She’d rather meet at the coffee shop.
Why?
Now I’m frustrated with myself for opening up a little. I’m angry with myself for dislodging that brick. I’m irritated with myself for thinking I could trust someone. I’m mad that I shared a part of me and had it thrown back in my face.
I’ve tapped down the emotions. Put a nice cork back on them firmly in place. We’ll meet for coffee. I’ll have a smile on my face. I’ll say everything’s fine.
I won’t make that mistake again.
15 December 2009, 11:01 AM
You could cry with me. We don’t need no stinkin’ coffee shop.
Sue´s last blog ..endoftheyear meme
15 December 2009, 12:39 PM
wow. what a “friend”.
15 December 2009, 5:19 PM
I used to be like that (not crying… definitely I wasn’t like your ‘friend’). You do need to cry. Find someplace you feel safe and just do it. Get a note-book and write it all down if you don’t feel safe with your friends.
Fab Kate´s last blog ..Chickened Out
16 December 2009, 1:48 PM
Ouch! I am sorry she was so harsh and thoughtless. Wow. You shared a lot here in this post and I hope the sharing was healing and “de-stressing”. I’ve been there. And I don’t put the real me out in the open often either. Chin up, she is missing out–not you!
Christine´s last blog ..Tuesday Weigh-ins
18 December 2009, 2:59 AM
At least you realised what type of friend she is before opening up more. Here is a hug for you <>