First, I apologize, I realize my blog has been very negative and all about how crappy my life has been. I feel like I’m making excuses for my “failure” but all I feel like I’m just trying to get through right now. And, in my positive moments I I look at the fact that I’ve pretty much maintained since the end of August, which I have. But, in my less positive moments I’m beating my head against the wall screaming “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!” Yes, I want to continue this journey. Yes, I want to succeed. I’m just really struggling with life right now.
No, I’m not asking for your pity. No, I’m not asking for the magic pill that will get me back on track. I just need to vent. I need to scream. I want to cry.
To everyone who has been saying “I care” and leaving such touching comments.
THANK YOU!
I can not begin to tell you how many times I’ve read your comments and gotten through a day because of them. I read them when I’m down. I read through my twitter comments. You can not know how much your support means.
But, now I need to vent.
I’ve been maintaining and bouncing back and forth between the same three pounds for the past TWO month. It’s annoying as hell. It freaking SUCKS. If I were eating like crap I’d understand. But, I’m not, I’m eating good. (Well, except that I have eaten some meat because I’ve been too lazy to look for non-meat meals on the menu and pretty much meat = a 1-2 pound gain the next day.) So, I’m frustrated and feeling defeated. No, I haven’t been perfect in my staying on plan/focused — I’ll be the first to admit that. But, I haven’t been bad.
To make matters even more fun. I’m feeling like I’m getting sick. Not like call the doctor, stop my life sick. Just b the office and crawl in bed or curl up on the couch sick. The problem with that is when I’m sick I REALLY struggle with drinking water. I know I need it, but I just struggle doing it. I’ve really been making a point of drinking water. Well, a good friend was texting me tonight and said “drink some tea”. Duh. Yes, water is better, but tea is good. (I can only drink tea with sugar — not a lot but at least a little.) So, I’m drinking tea. See, I’m not a total dunce.
So, last night totally sucked. I was laying in bed (at 7:30) reading (yes, my Kindle) when my phone rang. It was my sister, with not good news. I’ve mentioned that my dad hasn’t been feeling good. Well, last night he was feeling really bad and called my aunt (my mom’s sister — my mom was out of town for a mandatory work conference) when my aunt called there she immediately told him she was calling 911. He didn’t argue. You don’t know my dad but the fact that he called my aunt is huge, the fact that he said “OK” when she said she was calling 911 is MASSIVE. The ambulance transported him to the hospital. He’s in critical care, on pain meds “stronger than morphine” and sounded like crap when I talked to him today. They had to put the IV in his neck because it was the only place they could get it in. After he passed the phone to my mom I could hear him wailing in agony in the background. So, yeah, that sucked.
Then tonight, I’m sitting here curled up in a blanket and my phone chimes and I pick it up to see an invite to a group from someone that I don’t even know. I look at the group and it’s a memorial site for a friend. I’m thinking “huh” I just talked with him on Facebook (we were friends in high school and pretty much just stay in touch on facebook now). In shock and confusion and search and search and find out that he died today. From what I can tell, his heart stopped. I’m shocked and confused and just don’t know what to think. It’s shocking to me, we were close in high school — he was my “husband” for a psychology class project. So, there’s that.
On a good note, my aunt who disappeared three weeks ago called her son over the weekend so we know she’s alive. Still no idea where she is and if she’s planning on contacting anyone. But, we know as of Saturday she’s alive.
My grandma’s still going. Hospice has taken over, the end is near, but she’s still going.
My dad’s dad is in ICU and not expected to leave. No one can figure out if he does or does not have pneumonia. Who knows and I guess it really doesn’t matter.
My dad’s step-mom has cancer.
So there you have the crap. How’s the rest of my life? Let me tell you.
Work is busy. So busy that I leave each day with a longer to-do list (it seems) than when I start the day. Busy is good though because it gets me up in the morning. It keeps me moving through the day. I’m doing what I can, I think I’m doing OK there. But, I’m getting by.
My church volunteer position is frustrating the geebers out of me. I have to rely on other people in order to do my portion. These people are PAID staff and I’m volunteer — they aren’t getting things done. It’s frustrating. I’m trying to juggle and when I’m juggling my life and having to wait on others to get something done it frustrates me. I’m not used to waiting for others. In my work life people do what I ask when I ask or I hire someone else. My customers provide me the information I need because they need the end result from me. And, when if I have to wait their stuff gets put to the back burner. This isn’t the case…I have deadlines and other people are holding me up because they just aren’t getting things done. It frustrates me.
So, there you have it.
My sucky life in a nutshell.
I know you’re all probably pretty much tired of hearing me whine. I needed to unload today.
Truthfully, I feel lighter for having vented.
23 October 2009, 6:01 AM
keep in mind that its your blog. sure you’ve got friends out there reading it daily, but the content is for you. if you need to use it to vent that’s perfectly okay.
sounds like you’re going through a whole lot right now. *hugs*
23 October 2009, 7:41 AM
Girl, why does it always seem like when it rains it pours? Especially when it comes to illness and death. I always try to keep in mind that it’s the circle of life, but sometimes I just have to ask Him when enough is enough.
It’s your blog, you can vent if you want to. I’ll still be here to read every word!
Sue´s last blog ..it’s like mother’s day in october . . .
23 October 2009, 8:25 AM
You’ve managed to not gain 10 pounds in the past few weeks? Ya know, with the stress and everything you are under (and I apologize, I know the workload is partially my fault – know that you are very very very appreciated and I will make it up to you) (HUGS)
Aside from that though… think for a minute… you haven’t totally turned to food for comfort. How HUGE is that? You’ve not been bad about your eating and you’ve been realistic. I know it has to be annoying to keep losing and gaining those 3 pounds, but you lose them again, you aren’t hanging on to them. You haven’t turned to food. That, honey, makes me almost cry with happiness for you. That is, simply, amazing. Be proud of yourself and give yourself a break. We love and support you. You are amazing.
Candy Beauchamp´s last blog ..Canon EF 50mm f/1.8 II Camera Lens
23 October 2009, 1:52 PM
Vent away! You have so much on you right now, you’d be a saint to not need support and encouragement. As others have said, that you’ve hung in there by a thread and not turned to food is amazing. Keep your head held high and know that this too will pass!
Dani @ WRW´s last blog ..Weekly Update: Embracing The Numbers!
24 October 2009, 1:43 PM
I am sorry you are surrounded by so much stress right now! I hope thing start looking up soon. I know sometimes life puts our weightloss journey on the back burner and honestly maintaining is a victory in itself! I bet if you keep doing what you are doing, the results will come. Stress can stall loss sometimes too, it produces frustrating chemicals in the body. Just keep making healthy choices and taking times out for emotional breathers. Try yoga or tai chi?
25 October 2009, 12:46 PM
I’m so sorry for all the trials you’re facing! I went through a similarly hard time a few years ago … seemed that everywhere I turned, friends and loved ones were coming down with cancer, getting robbed, having homes destroyed by tornadoes, having surgery … on and on. When those times come, words are little comfort. Know that we’re hoping that things get better for you and those you love.
christy in seattle´s last blog ..Things I Saw While Walking, Week of 10/19/09