I’m running on empty

Fat Chick, 01 October 2009, 4 comments
Categories: Psychology of a Fat Chick

Yesterday I tweeted this:

I knew the time would come, I think it’s finally here. I believe I’ve officially lost my mind.

Of course I got a lot of “join the crowd” and “we’re two peas in a pod” responses.  But seriously, I’m on empty.  I’m feeling completely drained.

I’m at a very low emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually.  (If I could think of another “ally” I’d be there too.)  I’m bored with my life and I’m maxed out and I’m feeling unfullfilled.

Yes, I know that everything in the last paragraph contradicts itself.  Deal with it.  That’s where I am.

And you know what stinks.  I want to eat.  I want to make another bowl of popcorn.  I want to go get a cup (or two) of REAL coffee with all the creamy chocolaty goodness that I really love.  I want a big piece of gooey chocolaty brownie.  I want a great big, melt-in-your-mouth piece of milk chocolate deliciousness.

On top of all that other stuffness that’s going on I’m frustrated.  I’m frustrated at the scale.  I’m frustrated with myself.  I’m frustated that I’m still wearing the same freaking pants four months into my blasted journey.  I’m frustrated that I haven’t hit onederland.  I’m frustrated that I can’t get off my lazy, fat ass and move my body.

I’m frustrated with me.

And, I found out this week that I might be spending Christmas alone.  I say I’m OK with it and I do have the power to change part of the situation but I don’t want to.  I’d rather spend Christmas alone than travel and be where I don’t want to be.  So, even though it’s upsetting me (more than I fully realized until this evening) it’s a choice I’ve made and I’m willing to accept the consequences.  There’s a good chance one of my sisters and her son will be here so I guess I won’t be completely alone but it won’t be the family-filled Christmas I’m used to.  Of course, that means I’ll have to spend a lot of the holidays babysitting the kid while she’s at work.  Which isn’t a bad thing.

And, to top off all my frustrations, I think I might have broken something on my computer today.  A program I despise but can’t figure out how to not use is now giving me error messages all the time.  I don’t have the money to buy a new computer and I don’t have the time to deal with fixing this one.  I also am so thoroughly annoyed with my computer guy that I refuse to call him to come fix it.

Welcome to my world.

It’s funny, I met with my ministry coach today and we touched a little on my healthy lifestyle journey and one of the things I mentioned was how difficult the psychological aspect of this journey has been.  I don’t think any non-fat chick could ever understand the huge emotional/psychological battle that is involved in weight loss.

Like I said, welcome to my world.


And The Chick's Think

4 Responses, Leave a Reply
  1. Sue
    02 October 2009, 3:50 AM

    So, I have a few thoughts.

    First, a piece of business to get out of the way – I am making your taco soup tomorrow.

    Second. I could have written this myself. I have been there and continue to be there on a semi regular basis. But let me tell you something – I have a husband and kids and stuff like that, but that doesn’t take those times of unfulfillment away. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to fill the cracks in with food.

    When I feel this way, you know what helps me? I try to look at them as God giving me the opportunity to be different. He puts these challenges in front of me to give me a chance to handle them a different way. to give me the practice being someone whose mind and spirit and changing and strengthening and getting healthy. Because it’s easy to have faith and make changes when it’s easy. But when it counts is what I do when it’s not.

    And third. I was very sad and apprehensive about being away from certain family traditions over the holidays over the last year. You know, our move far away and all. But do you know what? It’s really not so bad! (Seriously, don’t ever tell my mother). We got to be in charge! Of what we ate, what we did, what we watched on tv. We developed our own new traditions. There were times I was homesicky, but overall I spent time with people I WANTED to spend time with. I didn’t have to rush away from church to get to where people were waiting for us. I didn’t eat a bunch of stuff I didn’t like because I was stressed and being watched. It was actually kind of okay.

    So, maybe it will be for you, too.

    Of course, if you were in NC, you’d be coming to OUR place for christmas!
    .-= Sue´s last blog ..happy anniversary, take two =-.

  2. Brooke
    02 October 2009, 5:26 AM

    i’m sorry you’re struggling right now. life sucks sometimes. a lot of times actually. *hugs*

  3. lisa
    02 October 2009, 9:19 PM

    i have been there too. i find that making a few hours of time for myself to do exactly what i want is best. i read and listen to my music, or take a long bubble/soakie bath, and i do let myself have a treat( chocolate or really good coffee or something like that). hope it helps and dont worry about the holiday you can do some if the same family traditions and have a good holiday with out all the family. and if yours is anything like mine sometimes its better to do without the drama.
    .-= lisa´s last blog ..Daily Totals =-.

  4. Des
    15 April 2010, 6:29 AM

    As I read what you have written, I can relate to it right now – it is exactly what I’m going through, which is what led me to find you. I just want to say thank you, because it helps knowing that someone else is going or has gone through the same things – I can truely understand. Perhaps this is just part of our journey. I don’t know what the answer is except to know we go through this and it too shall pass. I hope something will trigure and change the tide. I’ve been taking some vitamins but not even those are helping. I think it is something from within. I keep searching for Jesus again, though I know He is always there, answering many of my prayers. I’m tired of goals, trying to better myself with very little rewards and when I do get one, it’s not very rewarding. So you thought you had problems, until you heard my story. That in itself should make you feel better, I think. Together we will travel this road of listlessness and see what we come to on the other end – I bet it will be beautiful and worth our trouble.

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