I know, I just posted something but I wanted to keep these separate. So, I posted them separate. It’s my blog I can do what I want. 
I mentioned that I had this event on Friday night. It was a networking event that I had a table at. I co-founded an organization in town to support people with businesses similar to mine. We got the table together, it was our first event and we weren’t sure what to expect. I mentioned that I was worried about my eating that night but, really, I did very well (for me). I also made the comment that I could use some new clients. I really could but I sucked at the networking thing. I don’t like it. Part of the problem is that I realized that the people who were there were not really my ideal client so I kind of didn’t work the room like I probably should have. It’s OK. I did talk to people, I had a great time.
But, here’s where my thinking comes in. It’s actually a two day thinking process and I’m not really sure I like what I’m thinking. It’s something I need to think on though.
I’m single. It’s not necessarily by choice but I’m not wallowing in self-pity over the fact. It is what it is. Years ago I decided that single wasn’t that bad and I wasn’t going to settle just to have a man in my life. Do I want one? Yes. But, not at the expense of having the wrong one. Not everyone believes me when I say that, but I do mean it.
Friday at the event I met a guy. This guy literally took my breath away. He was talking to someone at the table next to me and I ended up with a friend at another table at the same time he did. He ended up getting a free facial and I couldn’t leave while he was getting it. My friend left and I walked away for a moment to make her come back. He stopped by the table I was working a few times. He left when we did and was heading to the bar with another lady (who I believe is married and an old friend of his) and invited my group to join them. We had already decided on dessert so we went to a different place. I can’t stop thinking about him.
But more than that it’s making me think about other things. Me. My feelings. My failures. My self worth. My weight loss journey. My life. I don’t know if I like it.
Years ago, after my suicide attempt, I spent a lot of time in therapy. I went through the entire “WHO AM I” process and made changes that I’m proud of. Yesterday, as I was walking in to Target it hit me:”things won’t be better if I’m skinny!”. What if my problems AREN’T because I’m fat?
What if I’m single NOT because I’m fat? What if my house isn’t perfect NOT because I’m fat? What if… The list goes on.
Here’s my problem. I think I’ve failed at getting myself healthy in the past because I used being fat as my excuse for not being happy. Really happy. If people reject me (by people I mean guys) I justify that it’s because I’m fat. “They won’t see the real me.”
What if they reject ME?
I know, that completely contridicts what I said earlier. Yes, I’m OK with being single. But, am I OK with being single forever? I say yes. I mean yes. But, I don’t want the reality to be yes.
So, what if it is me?
I do get noticed. I know I do. I might not always see it but I know it happens. A couple months ago when I was picking up a pizza I know I got noticed. It was obvious. But, I never saw him again. Friday, I know I caught his eye. But, I know I’ll never hear from him again.
I know, the next thing everyone says “get out there”, “meet people”. WHERE? I’m serious. Where? I work by myself (well, my brother and his mother-in-law are in the same office). My clients are all married. (Besides that would be weird.) Everyone I know at church is married. I know there are single people there but I’ve yet to find any. (They canceled the singles ministry.) I don’t to bars and won’t start. I’m serious. Where. But, it still comes back to…
What if it’s me?
I don’t know. In the past this thought process has affected my weight loss journey. This time, it’s not. I don’t care. Seriously, for once I’m doing this for ME. No ulterior motive. Just me. At least that’s what I say. Yesterday I realized that might not all be true. But, I also realized that the fat might not be what’s holding me back. Maybe it’s me. And, I hate not being healthy. So, if I get healthy then maybe I’ll be happier with one aspect of my life.
Maybe if I’m not hiding behind my weight I’ll have a little more fun. And, really if there’s someone with me or not it’s OK. As long as I have more fun. Because really, it’s my life and all that matters if that I’m happy with me.
What if it’s me? Who cares? It is me. That’s all I can control. I can control what’s holding ME back. Or I can let it control me.
